As a mother, you may often feel the pressure to strive for perfection and fulfill every need and desire of your children. But here's a truth to hold close to your heart: there's no such thing as a perfect mother. Instead, let's embrace the concept of the "good enough" mom—a loving, caring parent who embraces imperfection with grace and understanding.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott studied thousands of baby-mother interactions. Through this research, he discovered that when mothers let down their babies in tolerable ways, babies grow up to be more resilient. Here are some everyday examples of "tolerable" ways we may let down our children:
Research shows that the good enough mom approach is, well, good enough! Before we get into the research, here's a quick primer on attachment science:
Attachment science is the study of the bond that forms between babies and their caregivers. When a caregiver consistently responds to an infant's needs, the infant forms what is called a "secure attachment." Securely attached infants feel safe, protected, and confident in their caregiver's presence. When the caregiver is responsive and provides comfort, reassurance, and affection, the infant learns that they can trust their caregiver to meet their needs, leading to the development of a sense of security and a positive emotional foundation.
So what does this have to do with being a good enough mom? Research shows that parents don't have to be perfect in order to form a secure attachment relationship with their children. A study by Lehigh University researcher Susan S. Woodhouse demonstrated that picking up a crying baby and comforting them to a calm state at least 50% of the time can have a positive impact on the attachment relationship. While being a sensitive caregiver is important, allowing your infant to explore the world and providing a secure "home base" to return to for comfort is even more influential in fostering a secure attachment relationship. Instead of worrying about whether you're responding properly to your baby's every cue, you can focus on creating a safe and loving environment for your baby to thrive.
Being a good enough mom is about being present, supportive, and loving, rather than striving for perfection. We were inspired by Dr. Claire Nicogossian's article, "Let Go of Perfect: 10 Ways to Be a Good Enough Mom," which you can read here.
In her article, Dr. Nicogossian explains the value of learning to apologize when we make mistakes. Demonstrating that it's okay to be imperfect provides valuable lessons in taking responsibility for our actions and teaches our children that we can learn and grow from our mistakes.
She also encourages us to openly acknowledge our feelings and manage them in a positive way. This can support our children in understanding and navigating their emotions effectively. Some moms may feel the urge to shield their children from negative emotions or difficult situations. But by allowing your child to experience difficult emotions and teaching them how to cope with them, you're bolstering their resilience.
Embracing imperfection with grace and compassion sets a powerful example for your little ones. Together we can foster a community where moms feel safe to share their challenges and joys, supporting one another through ups and downs. Remember, your child needs you—a healthy and happy you, not a perfect you.