For decades, society has upheld the idea that mothers should be completely selfless and without complaint. And more recently, mothers are expected to make continued sacrifices for their families while also achieving personal or professional growth. As moms, we often make these sacrifices because we want to, but it is also important to remember to care for your own needs. In this article, we will explore the concept of maternal martyrdom, its impact on our lives, and how we can break free from its grasp to find joy and fulfillment in motherhood.
Maternal martyrdom happens when mothers must sacrifice so much for their families that they end up suffering. This sacrifice, while often borne out of love, can lead to neglecting your own needs, both physically and emotionally. Many moms feel that this self-destruction is a testament to their love for their families. Sometimes, the comments that people make seem to suggest that martyrdom is our only option as a mother:
These types of comments reinforce society's belief that moms should be so busy caring for their families that they don't have time for self-care or for the things they love.
As perinatal psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin explains, maternal martyrdom is paradoxical. It involves experiencing pain and sacrificing ourselves for others, all while seeking glory in our self-perceived smallness. The idea that mothers should be overwhelmed, always on the go, and constantly putting their needs last has been deeply ingrained in our society. But when we take time to rest and meet our own needs, we can continue to support our families and feel more joy along the way.
To better understand how maternal martyrdom affects our lives, Dr. Lakshmin suggests keeping a log. Take note of situations where you made significant sacrifices for your family, instances where you decided not to make sacrifices, and how you felt in those situations. Record your family's responses and your feelings afterward. This log can help you gain insight into patterns of behavior and identify areas where self-care is necessary.
While the urge to put everyone else's needs before our own is strong, neglecting self-care can take a toll on your relationships and overall well-being. You might feel guilty about taking time for yourself, but guilt is not a moral compass. Instead of letting your guilt guide your actions, you can acknowledge it and then make the decision that is right for you. Making decisions that address your own needs might involve:
Asking for help can be difficult, but it is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it shows strength and self-awareness. Whether it's seeking assistance with childcare, household chores, or emotional support, allowing others to help lightens your load and allows you to take the time you need for yourself.
Setting boundaries is so important to maintaining a healthy balance between family responsibilities and personal well-being. Communicate your needs and limitations clearly with your partner, children, and extended family. Setting boundaries allows you to have designated times for self-care and helps prevent feelings of being overwhelmed.
The pursuit of perfection can be exhausting and unrealistic, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Embrace the concept of "good enough." It's OK if the house is a little messy or if you occasionally indulge in a guilty pleasure. Accepting that you are doing your best and that your best is enough can free you from the chains of maternal martyrdom.
Your happiness and well-being matter just as much as your family's. Maternal martyrdom may have been romanticized in society, but it's time to break free from its grasp. Being a good mother doesn't mean sacrificing your own joy and fulfillment. Love yourself, and your love for your family will flourish even more brightly. You are deserving of care, compassion, and happiness.