Have you ever felt like you've wanted to escape or push away your role as a parent? You may have found yourself grappling with conflicting thoughts and feelings that leave you feeling ambivalent about your new role. Rest assured, you are not alone. In this article, we will explore the concept of ambivalence in motherhood and learn how to embrace and cope with these emotions.
I didn't realize this was what motherhood would be like, and I don't think I like it.
First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge that the reality of motherhood might not match your expectations. It's okay to feel a sense of disappointment or frustration at times.
When you've taken on a challenge in past life phases, you may have eventually gained a sense of mastery and accomplishment in the challenge. However, with babies, as soon as you feel like you've mastered something, your baby changes, and you need to start from square one. Not surprisingly, this elusive sense of mastery can feel impossible to endure.
We feel like we should love every second with our babies, but caring for a newborn is often thankless, endless, and boring work. If we don't, we feel like a bad mom for wanting a moment (or many moments) to ourselves. You’re not alone if you feel “trapped” in your role as a mother. It's okay to feel this way, and it doesn't make you a bad mother. We know you love your baby. We know you're a great mom. It's okay to crave your old life back and to want to push away your caretaking responsibilities.
I'd rather have someone else take care of my baby.
Am I a bad mother because I'd rather have my old life back?
Motherhood feels suffocating.
I regret having my baby.
These thoughts may seem shocking and guilt-inducing, but they are more common than you might think. The immense love you have for your baby might coexist with a longing for your pre-baby identity and lifestyle.
There's actually a scientific explanation for why you may feel this push and pull about motherhood. When your baby is born and when you spend time skin-to-skin with your baby, an immense amount of oxytocin, the love hormone, is released. This hormone makes you feel more inclined to fulfill your baby’s every need. Yet your conscious mind is still aware of your pre-baby identity—your personal and professional goals, your hobbies, and your relationships. All of these may feel like they're on the back burner right now, and it is completely reasonable to feel a sense of loss for your former life. As a result, your brain ends up in this "ambivalent" state where you both love your baby deeply, yet you also feel pulled towards your own needs, wants, and wishes.
For better or worse, this ambivalent, push-and-pull feeling about motherhood never really goes away—it just changes over time. It's uncomfortable to feel two seemingly opposing desires at once because we feel as if we need to choose between competing identities. We need to learn how to cope with these push-and-pull feelings because noticing this tension can help us identify how to best take care of ourselves and our families.
Accepting and reframing ambivalence rather than trying to push it away can help you find peace with your emotions. While it may not seem like much, reframing your thoughts to focus on the positive is a helpful step toward feeling more comfortable with ambivalence in motherhood.
Reflect on your achievements as a mother, no matter how small they may seem. Celebrate the sleepless nights, the diaper changes, and the soothing moments as accomplishments that show your dedication and love for your baby. Acknowledge that every aspect of motherhood is challenging, and you should be proud of yourself for taking it on.
Practice gratitude by shifting your focus to the positive aspects of motherhood. Be thankful for the moments of joy, the tender smiles, and the unique bond you share with your baby. Count your blessings and find solace in the love you receive from your little one.
Embrace the reality that motherhood is not without its struggles and uncertainties. There will be moments you can't change, situations that will challenge you, and decisions that require compromise. Accept that you are doing your best, and it's okay to prioritize your needs alongside your baby's.
Ambivalence is a part of the motherhood journey. It's okay to have conflicting feelings, and it doesn't diminish your love for your baby or your worth as a mother. Through ambivalence, you can better understand yourself and your needs.