Grief, an inevitable part of the human experience, can be particularly challenging for those who are navigating the complex journey of motherhood. While we typically think of grief in terms of losing someone we love, we can also grieve things like losing our identity, a traumatic experience, or missed opportunities.
Developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—offer a framework to understand the emotional process after a loss. It's important to recognize that these stages are non-linear, and you may experience them differently. Learning about the stages of grief can help you to understand and cope with your emotions. This knowledge can serve as a guide for tracking your progress as you navigate through the grieving process.
Denial helps us survive our loss. Often, we subconsciously numb our feelings in difficult experiences. It's a healthy way to cope—especially when trying to make it through the day-to-day with a newborn. You may find it hard to grasp the reality of the loss and continue with your daily routines as if nothing has changed. Give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions, including denial. Trust that this protective mechanism allows you to cope until you're ready to face your feelings.
Anger is a common emotion after experiencing a loss. The unfairness of death, unfulfilled plans, or unresolved emotions can trigger feelings of anger. You might even feel angry at the person you lost or yourself for perceived shortcomings. Anger allows us to process our disappointment. Anger can seem like a dangerous or scary emotion, but it's healthy and necessary when you have faced an injustice. Reflecting on its root cause can help you process your disappointments and grievances. Here are three ways you can cope with anger:
During this stage, you may attempt to negotiate alternate outcomes, grappling with "if only's" in the hope of turning back time and avoiding the loss. You can recognize the power of "what if" questions but also understand that some things are beyond your control. Be gentle with yourself and let go of guilt or regret.
Sadness and longing become predominant emotions during this phase. Grieving can be an intense experience, and you may feel waves of deep sorrow for an extended period. Since depression is a risk factor for perinatal mood disorders, we encourage you to seek professional support if these intense feelings of sadness last more than a couple of weeks.
While sadness is a part of grief, seek support if it becomes overwhelming and lasts for an extended time. Consider reaching out to a maternal mental health therapist to process your emotions in a healthy way. To find a maternal mental health therapist in your area, visit Postpartum Support International.
Acceptance is not about feeling "OK" with the loss, but rather, it's about learning to live with the reality of it. Memories of your loved one remain close, and you begin to embrace a new sense of normalcy. Understand that the journey toward acceptance is unique for each person. Allow yourself the time and space to heal at your own pace, honoring the memories of your loved one as you navigate motherhood.
As we mentioned before, you may not experience the five stages of grief in a linear order. You may not experience one of these emotions at all, or you may feel all of them at once! The path of grief is a deeply personal experience, and as moms, it intertwines with the complexities of motherhood. Remember that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief, although painful, can be a powerful tool for growth and self-discovery. As you navigate through the waves of grief, know that you're not alone, and seeking professional support is a courageous step toward healing.