Beth Zalantai, MSc, is a clinically trained mental health professional with extensive experience delivering and supervising evidence-based psychological care. As a mom and therapist, Beth provides compassionate support for moms navigating their mental health.
It takes courage and confidence to walk your own path. When you talk with other moms or see them in the media, comparisons can creep in and weaken your self-confidence. Let’s explore how you can handle comparisons with grace and reframe them to be more compassionate to yourself.
Spending some time unpacking your comparisons can give you insight into the reasons behind your reactions. When you compare yourself to someone else, you’re sending yourself the message that they're meeting some standard that you're not. The next time you find yourself making comparisons, consider what standard you’re holding yourself to. Ask yourself where this standard came from and why you adopted it.
Many of the standards we compare ourselves to are self-imposed. For example, you might say to yourself, I see that other moms in our group are taking their babies to multiple sensory classes each week, and I haven't been able to do that. I feel like I'm not doing enough for my baby.
But take a moment to think about whether this standard is important to you. Is it aligned with your core values? If it isn’t, you can let it go. Because you have the power to create these standards in your mind, you also have the power to let them go. This might sound like, I've noticed that some moms are taking their babies to various classes, and that's great for them. While it may work for them, I know that what's most important for me and my baby is our unique bond and the time we spend together. My values prioritize quality time and connection over a busy schedule.
If your comparison is based on a standard that aligns with your core values, then you can reframe it in terms of your progress or learning. Doing so allows you to recognize opportunities to learn and grow without devaluing yourself. For example, you might tell yourself, I've noticed that my friend has a great bedtime routine for her baby, and it's impressive. I'm still figuring out what works best for my little one, and that's okay. Each baby is different, and I'm doing my best to create a routine that suits our unique needs.
When you see others succeeding or achieving milestones, you can celebrate their victories without diminishing your own worth. For example, you might say to a friend, “Wow, I'm really impressed with how well you've established a bedtime routine for your baby! It's clear that you've put a lot of thought into it. I'm still working on finding the right routine for my little one, and seeing your success is inspiring.”
When you think about it, it’s unfair to hold yourself to the same standard as someone else. Because you have different upbringings, life experiences, personalities, circumstances, and so many other considerations, it’s certainly understandable that you will end up in different places. Your definition of success may look different than someone else’s, and that’s okay. There’s room for multiple definitions of success!
Because society has trained us to compare ourselves to others, comparisons can rise to the forefront of your mind without you even noticing it. But by reframing comparisons with self-compassion, you can handle them gracefully while bolstering your confidence, gratitude, and growth. Remember, you are on your own path, and your experiences, challenges, and triumphs are valid and valuable in their own right.