Beth Zalantai, MSc, is a clinically trained mental health professional with extensive experience delivering and supervising evidence-based psychological care. As a mom and therapist, Beth provides compassionate support for moms navigating their mental health.
We learn and grow when we share stories, swap ideas, and commiserate with other parents. Mom friends let us celebrate the joys of parenthood and remind us we’re not alone when things get tough. These connections offer us a sense of camaraderie and understanding that only fellow moms can provide.
At the same time, you may find yourself second-guessing, nit-picking, or self-criticizing when you seemingly don't measure up to your mom friends. Comparison is part of being human, but it can leave you feeling inadequate and discouraged. In this article, you’ll learn how to handle comparison in parenthood and refocus on what truly matters: your family, your values, and your own journey.
Noticing comparison is the first step toward loosening its grip on you. Try to recognize when you’re slipping into comparison mode. Maybe it happens when you’re scrolling through a friend’s perfect-looking photos or hearing another mom talk about milestones your child hasn’t reached yet. When that happens, you can pause and name your thought: “I’m comparing right now.” Naming it takes away some of its power and helps you see it for what it is: just a thought. It doesn't define your worth as a parent.
Once you’ve noticed a comparison, take a moment to explore where it’s coming from. Ask yourself, What standard am I holding myself to right now? Consider whether it comes from social media, other parents, cultural expectations, or your own inner critic. Then ask, Is this standard really important to me and my values as a parent? By reflecting on the source, you can decide whether this comparison is worth your energy, or if it’s something you can let go. Coming back to your own values can help you shift the question from Am I doing it like them? to Am I doing what’s important to me and my family?
After exploring where a comparison is coming from, the next step is deciding how to respond. If the standard you're comparing yourself to isn't aligned with your values as a parent, you can let it go.
When a comparison highlights something that does matter to you, you can reframe it as an opportunity rather than a critique. Doing so allows you to recognize opportunities to learn and grow without devaluing yourself. For example, you might tell yourself, I've noticed that my friend has a great bedtime routine for her baby, and it's impressive. I'm still figuring out what works best for my little one, and that's okay. Each baby is different, and I'm doing my best to create a routine that suits our unique needs.
When you see others succeeding or achieving milestones, you can celebrate their victories without diminishing your own worth. For example, you might say to a friend, “Wow, I'm really impressed with how well you've established a bedtime routine for your baby! It's clear that you've put a lot of thought into it. I'm still working on finding the right routine for my little one, and seeing your success is inspiring.”
When you openly talk with other moms about what’s going well for you and where you’re facing challenges, you create space for others to do the same. This shared vulnerability fosters trust, reduces feelings of isolation, and encourages a culture of mutual support. Mom friends can be a lifeline during your parenting journey, and by sharing both successes and struggles, you can help create a thriving community of parents who uplift each other through the joys and challenges of raising children.
Remember, you are on your own path, and your experiences, challenges, and triumphs are valid and valuable in their own right. Living by your own values can help you navigate comparisons and parent with confidence.